DC has had a lot more dubious misses (messes?) then hits. The Aquaman franchise seems to be missing & hitting at the same time. Maybe it is the Jason Momoa affect as he continues to fail up, up and away in his projects. His singular brand of bro-ness is infectious. The man exudes the rizz in a serious as a McDonald’s heart attack way.

Since this is the second coming of the Aquaman story, there is little to none origin story left to tell. Dialogue has never been great in the bounty of superhero live action films. With the exception of exposition so the audience has an iota as to what the fuck is happening. Maybe the director let Mr. Momoa off the chain to improvise the talking parts. This version of Arthur Curry often extrapolates on his palate and what he wants in his rumbly tummy, often right before a big battle or as a non-sequitur. Practically salivating, he ruminates on the landlubber delicacies: steaks, hamburgers and cheesy pizza slices, all washed down with pints of Guinness.. The award for gratuitous product placement goes to the most recognized Irish lager in the world. I imagine the studio got a big pot o’ gold during pre-production and Momoa’s garage was filled with cases of the dark stuff. Craft services likely had their work cut out for them.

When the characters were not fighting or talking in CGI Atlantis, they hung around a CGI lighthouse in an artifice of coastal Maine, USA. That’s right folks. Aquaman is a Maine-iac. There is a concrete, historical relationship between Maine and Ireland. So maybe there was an amount of leaning into the Maine/Ireland connection. The overlords of St. James Gate Brewery paid for aggressive marketing and that’s what they got. As history shows, you really don’t want to piss off the Irish. Is there a conspiratorial connection in the fact that Guinness was founded by a man named Arthur Guinness. The mind reels. Might be the cannabis.

While experiencing this, questions clouded my high-minded, brain dome. (I beginning to think sativa is not my ally.) Does the man who speaks with fish go to sushi? Is English the common tongue in Atlantis or is it a watered down (HA! HA!) version of another language? Did Amber Heard have only 20 minutes of screentime with only five lines of dialog? And was her ex instrumental in her scenes ending up in the editor’s trash bin?

My reason for loving this waterlogged spectacle? Let’s talk about the programmer(s) who designed the algorithm to make all the characters’ hair float. The gentle sway and arc of each characters’ manes. Drifting out luxuriously above and behind them in an elegant and hypnotic way wave. I will watch this subpar superhero film again for the hair movements alone. What was the plot of Aquaman? King of Atlantis, something, something. Guinness something, something. Holy shit! Look a the hair float on Nicole Kidman! Unbelievable! Give those actors’ locks all the awards! Meanwhile, I am going to fire up some Maine seaweed and stuff my face with ‘za.